My Twinless Twin

Chloe turns four years old on October 7th. She is a huge blessing in our lives. Chloe is a twinless twin. Her twin sister, Zoe Belle, was born still. She died inutero at 22 weeks. I carried her next to Chloe for another 16 weeks, while on 19 weeks of bedrest. I gave birth to my twin daughters on October 7, 2002.

I've often had people comment that carrying Zoe for so long, knowing she was dead, must have been so hard. What was harder was giving birth to her and giving her up, so to speak. I mean, I knew she was already with God. I was just carrying her empty shell. But, somehow, as a mother, when it is sheer maternal instinct to care for my babies, it was so sad to let her physical body leave mine. I was blessed to be able to hold her and kiss her after her delivery. She was remarkably well preserved and a perfect little being. Alex and I were able to count her fingers and toes, see her fingernails, and her perfectly formed lips (she had my lips). Everything about her was perfect. But, for some reason, unknown to us, but known to God, Zoe was not meant to draw breath on this earth.

I wonder at times, now, when Chloe is acting really out of sorts . . . I wonder if she is missing Zoe. I've read so much about twinless twins who didn't know they were a twin, but they knew that something was missing in their lives. When they discover they're twins, it all comes together for them.

Chloe is too young to understand that Zoe was her twin sister. We've mentioned that she has a sister named Zoe in Heaven, but she hasn't questioned us about her yet. One day I know she'll ask about the tiny framed handprint that is hanging on the wall in the living room. She'll ask what the words in the matting mean, "Zoe Belle Ivins, Beautiful Life." I'll tell her all about Zoe. I'll explain that the meaning of Zoe's name is "beautiful life", while the meaning of her own name is "blooming" or "continuing life." I'll tell her that Zoe is in Heaven waiting for us. Soon after my father passed away last year, one of the moms on my twinless twins eloop gave me the most precious gift. She said, "Your father is the only one who knows both Chloe and Zoe." Dad adored Chloe. Knowing that Zoe was with him in Heaven was such a gift to me. He dreaded leaving Chloe. God's grace allowed him to have another little three year old waiting for him in Heaven.

I do wonder what life will be like for Chloe, especially on her birthdays, as she journeys along without her twin sister. I pray that God will fill any void in her life that she may feel not having Zoe here with her. I pray that knowing that Zoe is waiting for her in Heaven will be a comfort to her. I pray that God will fill the void in MY life that I feel so strongly not having Zoe here with me. I miss her so much.